The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
