my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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