i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
