my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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