you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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