....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
