I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
