If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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