I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
