Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
