I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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