when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
