i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
