wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Randomize
