i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
