My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
