i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
