i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
