Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
