I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
