I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
