oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
