so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
whose parrot is this?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
