I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
