Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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