Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize