You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
