i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
