I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
