o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize