i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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