i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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