I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I met the friendliest cop last night
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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