I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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