one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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