I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
