Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
