someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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