I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
And then my night got REAL pukey
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
