Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
