If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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