And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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