I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize