WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
