The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
