i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
