On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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