there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
