I faked an abortion last night.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Randomize
