So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
