Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize