Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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