i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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