I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
