Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
