Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
