I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
