I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
