remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Duck Duck Cougar?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
