I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
