went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
