I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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