How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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