Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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