It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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