Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Still dying that you shit outside
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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