I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
