Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
another moral hangover. fuck.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
