Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
