I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
