Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
