He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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