Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
