i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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