So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
