Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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